


Turn of Phrase

by Emeraldsnows



Series: Colloquialisms [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Young Avengers
Genre: F/F, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Kid Fic, M/M, Multi, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-04-15 13:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4607697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emeraldsnows/pseuds/Emeraldsnows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Speaking of Which, picks up right where it left off</p>
<p>The life and times of one Teddy Altman as he grows up in Avengers Tower with his new, crazy family of superheroes. There's fluff, angst, kid drama, teen drama, Tony Stark drama, and would you look at that, there's even something close to a plot or two in here!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Adventures in Asgard

**Author's Note:**

> So it's been forever and a day since I finished SoW and promised to post the start of this fic... my bad. I have no legitimate excuse, flog me as you see fit (or at least what's left after the friend this series is for finishes with me for taking so damn long).
> 
> This fic is gonna be long. Like, ridiculously long. I have plans straight through to Teddy's teen years, so get ready! (And please be patient, I am so bad at updating anything in my life ever)
> 
> Also, I hate this chapter so much right now, it has been obnoxiously stubborn and I want it as far away from me as possible. It's not been beta'd or anything so if you spot any glaring errors, please let me know, I will get to them as soon as I stop hating it with a passion.

Teddy Altman only had his mommy looking after him until he was six years old. Mommy, who was pretty and blond (most of the time), who made waffles on Sundays because she didn’t have to go into work, who ruffled his hair when he wasn’t feeling good, who kissed him goodnight every single night for as long as he could remember. Teddy loved his mommy very, very much.

 

Then the aliens fell from the sky and Teddy had no one at all. He had to live with a bunch of other kids who had no one else, who were all sad like he was. He had to share a room, the bathroom, the grownups, toys, food, clothes, everything. It wasn’t as much fun as the grown ups said sharing was supposed to be. And without Mommy, Teddy had to keep his secret hidden all the time. Teddy missed her so, so much.

 

Teddy got to meet Captain America, though, and that’s when everything changed again. He got to have _two_ dads and more Aunties and Uncles than he could count on his fingers and toes combined. He got to live in a big Tower with all the Avengers and that was really cool. Teddy still missed his mommy a lot but he liked his new family.

 

Especially Darcy.

 

Darcy wasn’t an Auntie. “Makes me sound old, short stuff,” she said, so she was just Darcy. She was bright and colorful and fun and she always smelled like candy. She told the best bedtime stories and tucked her in better than Auntie Tasha but not quite as good as Pops.

 

Auntie Tasha was supposed to be looking after him while Dad and Pops were having a grown up vacation called a Honeymoon (and Darcy said they didn’t actually go to the moon and there wasn’t supposed to be honey but she didn’t want to judge or know that much about how they had fun) but she had a very busy schedule so Teddy got to hang out with Darcy during the day.

 

Teddy was lying on his stomach in Auntie Tasha’s living room, coloring with his brand new markers on a big sheet of paper while Darcy lounged on the couch, doing work on her computer.

 

“Shit!”

 

Teddy startled at Darcy’s sudden exclamation. She was making a very angry face at her phone.

 

“Swear jar,” Teddy reminded her, pointing to where it sat on the kitchen counter, half full of quarters and dollar bills.

 

Darcy glanced down at him before digging into her pocket. She pulled out a crumpled bill.

 

“I have to call work,” she explained as she handed it over. “How many swears does this buy me?”

 

“How many quarters is this?” Teddy asked. The number five was printed on all the corners.

 

“20.”

 

“That many.” Teddy scrambled to his feet to put the money in the jar. He’d decorated it himself with Avengers stickers, spider stickers, and purple pompoms (because it wasn’t fair that there weren’t any stickers for Auntie Tasha or Dad). “But Pops says you’re still not allowed to use any words that rhyme with duck.”

 

“Fu-udge,” Darcy muttered.

 

“That one’s ok,” Teddy informed her. She smiled at him a little bit and pressed her phone to her ear.

 

Darcy swore a lot. Teddy had to pull his socks off to start counting on his toes when she got up from the couch and stomped off into another room. Someone was in a lot of trouble for doing a lot of things Darcy said they shouldn’t have.

 

Teddy went back to his coloring, added fire to his big blue dragon and some green spots. He was just finishing up a tall purple tower and a princess with long yellow hair next to the dragon when Darcy came back out. She still looked mad but she wasn’t swearing anymore.

 

“I probably owe you a few more quarters,” Darcy admitted with a sigh. She ran her fingers through her hair, making it stand up funny. “People are stupid.”

 

“Bucky says you should only call people stupid if they’re being dumb,” Teddy said.

 

“Well, the people at work are being exceptionally dumb today,” Darcy stated. “I have to go in to the office. Jarvis, are there any grown ups available to watch Teddy for a bit?”

 

“Sir is currently in the penthouse,” Jarvis offered.

 

“Grown ups, Jarvis, not people taller than Teddy,” Darcy corrected.

 

“Can I go with you?” Teddy asked.

 

Darcy raised an eyebrow at him. “It won’t be much fun at all. I’m just gonna go yell at people.”

 

“I’ll bring my color books,” Teddy said, already getting up to dig them out of the guest room he was staying in. He quickly stuffed his Iron Man backpack with three color books, a box of crayons, and the travel case of Legos Uncle Sam bought him. He all but bounced up to Darcy in excitement. “We get to fly to the office, right?”

 

“Yes, we get to fly,” Darcy reassured him.

 

.:.

 

Darcy worked in the same place Pops did, way up high in the sky on the Helicarrier. Dad had taken Teddy there a few times, when Pops was working too much. They got to fly in a Quinjet way up high where people looked like tiny ants on the streets below.

 

Darcy’s office wasn’t as big as Pops’ but she had comfier chairs and colorful sticky notes all over the place. Teddy set himself up in a corner of the office, careful to keep his Legos out of the way of Darcy’s pacing. She kept yelling at people on her phone.

 

“I work with idiots, Teddy,” Darcy informed him, kicking one of her chairs.

 

“Pops does too,” Teddy said.

 

“I know, he left me with those idiots so he could do things you’re not old enough to know about to your other dad and that’s really not fair since I don’t have someone to do those things with too.”

 

Teddy didn’t know what to say to that so he went back to his Legos. Grown ups were weird sometimes. Darcy finally sat at her desk and began typing angrily at her computer, making angry noises every now and then. Once Teddy had built the tallest tower he could, he moved on to his dinosaur color book.

 

It was a long time later when Darcy sighed and threw her hands up in the air. “I quit. I don’t care if Coulson shoots me, I’m going to quit right now.”

 

“I won’t let him shoot you,” Teddy said firmly. “He won’t if I ask him not to.”

 

“Thank you, baby,” Darcy said. “But it looks like we’re going to have to stay a lot longer than I thought we would.”

 

“That’s ok,” Teddy reassured her.

 

“Now I’m gonna go hit some people who really deserve it. Will you stay put if I leave you here for a quick second?”

 

Teddy nodded. “I found a crossword puzzle.”

 

“Ok, I’ll bring back lunch,” Darcy offered.

 

“Can I have tater tots?” Teddy asked because Dad let him eat junk food when they visited the Office but not all the grownups let him eat like Dad did.

 

“Only if you eat something green with them,” Darcy negotiated.

 

“Jell-O is green,” Teddy said.

 

She snorted. “Yeah, you’ve spent way too much time with Clint. Ok, I’ll be right back, I promise.”

 

Teddy waved as she shut the door behind her. He settled back down to work on his crossword puzzle. Even with fifteen words to figure out, Teddy finished it before Darcy came back. He also colored three pages before she came back. He didn’t want to color any more and he’d already played with his Legos. Visiting the Office was a lot more fun when Dad was there to show him all the cool stuff. He really wished his dads would come back home already but he still had two more sleeps to go.

 

The door opened suddenly and Uncle Thor walked in instead of Darcy.

 

“Lady Darcy!” Uncle Thor exclaimed, his voice big and booming, then paused.

 

“She went to go hit people,” Teddy explained when Thor looked around, confused.

 

“Ah, she is very good at that.” Thor nodded. He moved to stand over Teddy. “How are you, my young friend?”

 

Teddy looked all the way up at him until his head bonked against the wall. “I’m bored.”

 

“Indeed, I am as well,” Thor agreed. “I was hoping to find a companion to join me in the pursuit of an adventure.”

 

Teddy perked up at that. “Can we be Avengers?”

 

Thor chuckled. “Perhaps when you are a bit older, young Theodore, one day.”

 

Teddy couldn’t help but pout. He wanted to be an Avenger more than anything, like his dads. Nothing was cooler than the Avengers.

 

“Being an Avenger is not very much fun,” Thor said seriously. “There is a great deal of sitting around and doing nothing. Back on my home of Asgard, there are always adventures to be had.”

 

“Can we go there?” Teddy asked eagerly.

 

Thor pondered that for a moment before grinning broadly. “I can think of no better undertaking this fine day!”

 

Teddy jumped up and couldn’t help but tug on Thor’s cape. He took Teddy’s hand and led the way down several halls until they were back outside. It was very windy, so high up. Thor’s cape kept snapping in the wind and Teddy had to squint his eyes. Thor gathered Teddy up into his arms and pulled out his hammer, Myeh-myeh. Teddy had seen Thor fly like this before, his hammer spinning ahead of him and carrying him wherever he wanted to go. It looked like fun.

 

It wasn’t nearly as much fun as he’d thought. He clung tightly to Thor’s neck as they went zooming through the air. The wind was too loud in his ears and he felt very cold. It didn’t take very long for Thor to touch down in a wide-open field somewhere but Teddy was still shaky.

 

“That wasn’t as much fun as I thought it was,” Teddy told Thor.

 

“Apologies, Teddy, I might have warned you first,” Thor said. “But it is better to be out in the open on firm ground when I summon the Bifrost.”

 

“The rainbow bridge?” Teddy asked.

 

“The very same.” Thor turned his head skyward and took a deep breath. “Heimdall! Open the Bifrost!”

 

Teddy had seen the Rainbow bridge open once before on the news. It was bright and loud, like a colorful tornado.

 

Being inside of it was brighter and louder than Teddy could have imagined. It made his skin feel funny, like it wanted to change but couldn’t, all itchy. He had to cover his ears and press his face into Thor’s chest.

 

The rush of light and sound and movement stopped so suddenly that Teddy almost threw up on Thor’s armor.

 

“Can we just keep our feet on the floor?” Teddy asked, wobbling when Thor put him down on his feet.

 

Thor laughed. “The Bifrost can be jarring for those unaccustomed to it.”

 

Teddy nodded in agreement. He looked around and saw they were in a big, round, golden room, the walls covered in moving gears and weird shapes. When everything stopped spinning around, he could see the stars through a large hole in the side of the room, stretching out farther than he could even see, in colors he’d never seen before.

 

In the center of the room stood a tall man in bright gold armor, a very big sword held in his hands. He blinked shiny golden eyes at them that made Teddy want to squirm like he was in trouble.

 

“My prince,” the man greeted, his voice deep and old.

 

“Heimdall,” Thor returned, clapping him on the shoulder. “I would like you to meet Teddy, the son of my shield brothers upon Midgard.”

 

“Hi,” Teddy said shyly, hiding a bit behind Thor’s cape.

 

“Well met,” Heimdall said with a nod. Teddy kept staring up at him with wide eyes. He’d never seen people with eyes that yellow. He thought they were pretty.

 

A smile tugged at Heimdall’s lips. “Your imitation is much appreciated flattery.”

 

Teddy blinked and realized he’d changed his eyes to match Heimdall’s. He hadn’t meant to, eyes were tricky, he didn’t always know when he was doing it, especially since he couldn’t see them. He looked worriedly at Thor. 

 

“Fear not,” Thor reassured him, putting a large hand on his head. “Heimdall will tell no one of your secret.”

 

Teddy looked back at the other man.

 

“I see all, young one,” Heimdall explained. “I already knew.”

 

“You’re like Grams,” Teddy said excitedly. “She knows everything, too!”

 

“Heimdall is not nearly as fearsome as the Son of Coul’s mother,” Thor joked with a chuckle. “If you’ll pardon us now, my friend, I have promised Teddy a few grand adventures.”

 

“We’re going to have more fun than the Avengers!” Teddy exclaimed. He bounced on his feet and tugged on Thor’s cloak. “Come on, let’s go!”

 

“Enjoy yourselves,” Heimdall called after them.

 

“Bye!” Teddy waved as Thor led the way out of the large golden room.

 

.:.

 

Clint dumped his bags in the front hallway with a sigh. “I miss the island already.”

 

Phil shoved him aside, not harshly, and carried his own luggage all the way into their bedroom. He was wearing a suit and tie, had worn it on the damn plane, ready to go back into work that afternoon. Clint was married to a workaholic and he still had no idea how that had happened.

 

“You miss it too,” Clint said, leaning against the doorframe. “You know you do.”

 

“We couldn’t stay another week just because you like the room service,” Phil told him as he began putting away his clothes. “SHIELD is going to be a mess as it is.”

 

“They need to learn how to get on without you,” Clint complained.

 

Phil raised his eyebrows at him. “The last time I was gone, my desk was literally on fire when I got back.”

 

“To be fair, you faked your death, a lot of agents were pissed,” Clint pointed out. “I’m pretty sure Stark did the same thing to Fury’s desk.”

 

“Regardless,” Phil stated before going back to the task of unpacking.

 

“You should make it a training exercise for new C.O.’s,” Clint suggested. “You know, see if you can survive a week without Agent Coulson holding your hand. Bonus points for not crying by the end of the first day.”

 

“You just want an excuse to go on vacation.”

 

Clint shrugged. “You work too much. I get lonely here in the house-“ he took a step closer to Phil, “alone with just the kid-“ another step, “and the dogs.”

 

He draped himself over Phil’s back, wrapping his arms around his waist.

 

“You would be a horrible househusband,” Phil commented.

 

“Excuse you.” Clint kissed along Phil’s neck. “I would be the best househusband ever. This place would be spotless, our kid would be fed, and your Supernanny would be on and waiting as soon as you opened the door.

 

“Keep sweet talking me, I’m on fire right now,” Phil deadpanned. “I just don’t know how much I believe the whole clean house part.

 

He pointed to the bedside table where a pair of purple polka-dotted boxers were draped over a lamp.

 

“What can I say, I get so horny waiting for you to come home with the bacon, my clothes just come flying off,” Clint joked.

 

“I’m a lucky man.” A grin tugged at Phil’s lips as he turned in Clint’s arms.

 

“You’re damn straight,” Clint agreed. “Well…”

 

Phil chuckled and leaned in for a lazy kiss. A few more were exchanged before Phil patted Clint’s ass.

 

“Go be a good househusband and find our son.”

 

Clint saluted. “Yessir!”

 

“And bring your bags in here so I can unpack properly!” Phil called after him. Clint ignored the request and wandered into the kitchen in search of a snack.

 

“Hey, Jarvis,” Clint greeted as he rifled through the pantry. He was pretty sure there was a box of Teddy’s fruit snacks hidden somewhere…

 

“Hello, Agent Barton, and welcome back. “Jarvis returned. “The fruit snacks are on the bottom shelf to the right.”

 

“You are the man!” Clint grabbed the box. “You know where Teddy is?”

 

“Young master Theodore is not currently in Avengers Tower,” Jarvis stated.

 

“Phil! Nat took Teddy out again!” Clint shouted. He heard Phil swearing under his breath as he walked down the hall to get Clint’s bags.

 

“Agent Romanoff is in the Avengers’ briefing room,” Jarvis said without prompting.

 

That made a few red flags go off in Clint’s head. Natasha knew they were coming home today, she would have made it her life’s mission to get Teddy so buzzed on sugar he was literally bouncing off the walls until 3 in the morning.

 

“Who’s got him?” Clint asked, tense as he waited for the answer.

 

“All of the Avengers are currently accounted for,” Jarvis evaded.

 

Clint’s heart stopped. “Jarvis, where is my kid?”

 

“He has not been in the Tower for the last two days.”

 

.:.

 

Asgard was a very big place, all shiny and gold and loud, louder than home was. Thor held tight to Teddy’s hand as they wound through a crowded street full of people wearing armor and flowing clothes. They were all too tall, like Thor, and Teddy kept tripping over things as he craned his neck all the way back to look at everything and everyone.

 

“Uncle Thor, what’s that?” Teddy asked, pointing at one of the stalls lining the streets. A group of kids huddled around the rows of toy swords and moving knick knacks and at the very end, a large, blue, furry stuffed animal. It looked like a really ugly pig with long fangs and antlers.

 

“That, my young friend, is a terrible monster known as a bilgesnipe,” Thor said, voice booming out over the bustling of the crowds around them. “They are most fearsome creatures.”

 

Teddy tugged on Thor’s hand, wanting to get a closer look. He was reaching out to touch the soft fur when the stall owner appeared to loom over him.

 

“And who is this, who accompanies our prince and wishes to take on the mighty bilgesnipe?” the man asked seriously.

 

Teddy immediately withdrew his hand, afraid he might get in trouble for touching something that wasn’t his.

 

“Only the bravest of champions dare face the bilgesnipe,” the stall owner announced.

 

“I just wanted to look,” Teddy said.

 

“It could be yours, a trophy of your great quest,” the man offered with a smile. Teddy looked back at Thor eagerly.

 

“It is yours,” Thor boomed. He handed over a few silver coins and the stall owner nodded, offering the stuffed animal to Teddy. It was large than he thought it would be, nearly the same size as him. He wrapped his arms around it and his fingers still didn’t meet.

 

“A fine conquest,” Thor laughed, leading them back into the flow of the street.

 

“He called you a prince,” Teddy said around a mouthful of blue fuzz.

 

Thor nodded. “Aye. My father is the great Odin, king of Asgard. My mother is his queen.”

 

“ _And_ you’re a superhero?” Teddy asked, amazed.

 

“I do posses many titles,” Thor agreed. “Would you like to earn of few yourself?”

 

“Can I be a prince?” Teddy asked.

 

“Oh, you do not want to be a prince,” Thor advised. “There are far too many chores and King Odin is very bossy.”

 

“Is he now?” a woman asked, appearing beside Thor. She was pretty, prettier than any lady Teddy had ever seen before. Her hair was all gold and curly and held out of her face by glittering diamonds. Her blue dress looked like water whenever she moved.

 

“Mother,” Thor greeted happily, pulling the woman into a tight hug.

 

“Hello, my wayward son,” she said, putting a hand on his cheek when Thor drew back. “Have you kidnapped some poor child from Midgard?”

 

“Nay, Mother. Teddy has come to learn of conquests and adventure from the very best.”

 

Thor’s mom looked around them, looking for something. “I do not see the Lady Sif anywhere.”

 

Thor pouted and his mother laughed.

 

“And what has Thor been able to teach you so far, young adventurer?” She asked, crouching down to look Teddy in the eye.

 

“I captured a… um… this,” Teddy said, unable to remember the name of his new toy. He held it out proudly anyway, grinning when Thor’s mom looked impressed. “His name is Snuffles.”

 

“I do not think even Thor has managed such a task,” she said with a smile. “Not without a great deal of help from his friends.”

 

“Thor helped,” Teddy insisted.

 

“That is good,” Thor’s mom said, standing all the way up. She wasn’t as tall as Thor but she was still too tall. “Maybe you will help him learn more about teamwork.”

 

.:.

 

Clint found Phil in his personal SHIELD war room, commandeered without permission of objection. He’d been in there for over 24 hours, but since it was located in the basement of the New York HQ, Clint wasn’t complaining. Better than Phil personally trying to fly the Helicarrier all over the damn planet. Clint slipped behind the numerous holo-screens floating around the room and placed a mug of coffee next to an empty one on the paper-covered table.

 

“Russia was a bust,” Clint reported. He tucked his hands behind his back as if this were an official debrief.

 

“I honestly didn’t expect anything promising from them after Nat and Bucky went through the street scum,” Phil admitted. His eyes never left the maps and read outs in front of him.

 

“The prime minister is pissed, though. Apparently I insinuated Putin was a creep one too many times. Pretty sure we’re not gonna like which countries they decide to back if things keep going like this.”

 

“We can worry about that if we come to that.”

 

Clint hummed in agreement. There was a beep from one of the screens and Phil let out a string of imaginative curses at the message that popped up.

 

“Natasha had no luck in Turkey,” Phil explained. “We’ve searched through every potential organization, every government agency, every gang or mob, and we still haven’t found any trace of Teddy or who might have taken him.”

 

Clint frowned. “We still haven’t gotten anyone to step forward yet?”

 

“Not even a hacked up ransom note from some crazed basement lunatic.” The frustration was obvious in the strain of Phil’s voice. “We’ve got absolutely no leads here on Earth.”

 

“On Earth?” Clint just knew he didn’t like the sound of that.

 

Phil tapped the screen directly in front of him. “Jarvis detected three separate cosmic anomalies, similar to the Bifrost, around the time Teddy would have gone missing.”

 

“You think aliens kidnapped Teddy?”

 

“We’ve exhausted all other options,” Phil said. “Doctors Banner and Foster are currently working to pinpoint potential locations.”

 

“You want me on stand by or should I be working on plans to steal a shuttle from NASA?” Clint asked. Phil shot him an unamused look. “Have you had anything to eat in the last 8 hours, sir?”

 

“Darcy brought a muffin down.” Phil turned his attention back to one of the maps.

 

“Gotta love her sometimes,” Clint said grudgingly. “Right. I’m gonna go wash off the slightly illegal things I just did, then I’ll bring down dinner.” He checked his watch and grimaced. “Or I guess breakfast at this point.”

 

Phil made an agreeing noise but didn’t look at him. Clint huffed. He gripped Phil’s shoulder as he passed by.

 

“We have to find him,” Phil said, taking hold of Clint’s hand.

 

“We will.” Clint kissed the side of his neck.

 

.:.

 

“You live in a castle!” Teddy exclaimed.

 

Thor grinned. “Indeed. And there is no finer in all the nine realms.”

 

Teddy gaped up at the crystal towers, glittering in the sunlight. They were a _lot_ bigger than Avengers Tower. “Does your castle talk to you?”

 

“No, Jarvis is one of a kind, even here.”

 

“Could Uncle Tony bring Jarvis here?” Teddy asked. He really liked Jarvis, he was nice and helpful. “I think he’d like living in a castle.”

 

“As do I,” Thor agreed. “However, Tony has expressed his distaste for our ways here.”

 

Teddy frowned. “What does that mean?”

 

“He doesn’t like magic,” Thor explained.

 

“How come?”

 

“Some people do not trust what they do not understand,” Thor’s mom said solemnly. Mom used to say that too.

 

Thor’s castle looked even bigger on the inside. There were tall statues and the ceiling looked like it was moving. Guards in glittering armor stood in lines all along the hall, stiff and serious looking.

 

“I must see to council matters, my son.” Thor’s mom stopped in front of a large door with a tree carved on it. Teddy stared as the branches _moved_.

 

“You will say goodbye before you leave?” she asked.

 

“Of course, Mother,” Thor replied.

 

“I enjoyed our meeting, Teddy.”

 

“Me too,” Teddy told her. She waved as she stepped through the door.

 

“I like your mom,” Teddy informed Thor.

 

Thor smiled. “I like her as well.”

 

“She’s pretty, like my mom.”

 

“Then your mother must have been very beautiful indeed,” Thor told him. Teddy nodded and bit his lip.

 

He missed his mom. Pops told him it was ok to miss her, even though he had a new family, but he didn’t like missing her. It made him feel sad, even when he was supposed to be having fun.

 

“You know, Teddy, I often miss my brother, Loki,” Thor confided, kneeling. Teddy blinked at him. “He made many mistakes in his life but I still love him, even if I do not get to see him.”

 

“I miss my mom a lot,” Teddy whispered into Snuffle’s fur.

 

“That means you love her a great deal,” Thor said. He reached out to put a hand on Teddy’s shoulder. “And one day you will see her again in the halls of Valhala.”

 

Teddy rubbed his eyes, trying to hide his tears. “How do I get there?”

 

“You must be honest and just,” Thor explained. “Valhala is only for the bravest heroes.”

 

“I’m brave,” Teddy insisted with a sniff.

 

“Indeed you are,” Thor reassured. “And only the bravest of warriors have adventures with the likes of Lady Sif and the Warriors Three.”

 

“Are they superheroes?” Teddy asked, tears already forgotten.

 

“Of a sort,” Thor replied with a laugh.

 

.:.

 

“Do any of you have any idea how close we are to facing a third World War?” Fury demanded from the doorway of Phil’s war room. The entire team was assembled, pouring over intel and data, and yet no one so much as glanced in his direction. “I am not joking, people. You’ve all poked every possible sleeping bear and now they’re breathing down my neck to get you all to stop.”

 

“I think we’ve got a lock on something!” Jane announced. Every eye turned to her. “One of the anomalies triangulate in the Andromeda galaxy, near the Drox system-“

 

“You are not talking about poking your annoying noses into space,” Fury interrupted. “We are facing enough problems on our own planet, we do not need to add an intergalactic war on top of everything.”

 

“Sir,” Phil said, standing up to face Fury. “With all due respect, you put Teddy in my care. You of all people should know the lengths I am willing to go to in order to protect my charges.”

 

“Not to mention the kid’s family now,” Clint added casually.

 

Fury shot him a quick glare before returning to stare Phil down. The tension in the air grew for several minutes.

 

“You are going to deal with _all_ of this shit _by yourself_ as soon as you find the brat,” Fury said without breaking eye contact.

 

“Thank you, sir.” He turned away to address Jane. “Now, what exactly have you found?”

 

.:.

 

Thor’s friends were just as big and loud as he was. They were all play fighting in the courtyard, all of the men losing very badly to the black haired lady but still laughing, kind of like when everyone at home play fought with Auntie Nat.

 

Teddy shifted on his toes as he and Thor waited for them to finish, holding Snuffles close.

 

“Sif, I believe they have had enough,” Thor called our after the biggest man was knocked over her shoulder a third time. The other two men were struggling to their feet. The woman turned to look at them, panting a little bit.

 

“Thor!” she greeted. “Have you come to grace us with your presence at along last?”

 

“Aye,” Thor said, smiling. “I have brought a young friend in search of noble warriors to join him in an adventure.”

 

 

The woman looked over her shoulder at the men still groaning on the floor. “I suppose you and I will have to do. I’m sorry to disappoint you, little one.”

 

“I’m Teddy,” he introduced himself shyly.

 

“I am Lady Sif,” the woman returned. “These laze-abouts behind me are the Warriors Three. We are well met, young friend of Thor.”

 

“Do we have a new recruit?” One of the men, the tall blond one, asked, skipping over to them.

 

“Indeed, Fandral.” Thor clapped a hand on Teddy’s shoulder. “Young Theodore is the son of my shield brothers, the Brave Hawkeye and the Mighty Son of Coul.”

 

“Ho, ho, then Teddy must be a fearsome warrior already,” the biggest man laughed. “Come, Hogun, you are an excellent judge, what weapon is our young friend best suited for?”

 

The third man eyed Teddy thoughtfully for a moment. “Spear.”

 

“Surely not,” Fandral objected. “A sabre would be far better in such young hands, wouldn’t you agree, Volstagg?”

 

“Nay, look at his build, he is a tough one, perfect for a battle axe.”

 

“You are all daft,” Sif interrupted. “Surely a sword and shield would serve him best.”

 

Teddy shrunk closer to Thor’s side, feeling his ears heat up with embarrassment. He didn’t like when grown ups talked about him like that, making decisions for him like he wasn’t even there.

 

Thor put a hand on his head reassuringly. “My friends, I fear this conversation is moot. Teddy’s fathers would be most displeased if I gave their son a weapon without their permission.”

 

All four of them pouted and Teddy couldn’t help but giggle.

 

“Fine, then no weapons,” Sif agreed, tucking her sword into her belt. “What shal we do then?”  


Teddy saw them all staring at him. He hid a bit behind Snuffles’ fur. “Hide and go seek?”

 

“An excellent proposal!” Fandrall exclaimed. “Shall we decide boundaries?”

 

“Within the castle,” Thor decided. “Only on the first floor, so Teddy does not get lost.”

 

They all nodded.

 

“Not it!” Teddy exclaimed quickly, putting a finger to his nose. The others were quick to follow until Volstagg was left.

 

“Drat,” he said. “Very well, I shall count to 50, and then you must all be hidden!”

 

“Would you like to hide with me, Teddy?” Thor offered as they hurried inside.

 

Teddy shook his head. “You’re too big. I hide really good.”

 

“Very well, good luck,” Thor said.

 

Teddy didn’t bother to notice where the others tried to hide. Hiding was very serious business and he had to concentrate. 50 was a big number but Volstagg might count fast like some of the big kids at the orphanage did. Teddy had to find a good spot as soon as he could.

 

The door with the moving tree caught Teddy’s attention again. Thor said they had to stay in the castle and that meant he could go into any of the rooms, because they were still inside. Teddy glanced around, didn’t see anyone, and so pulled the door open enough to squeeze inside with Snuffles. The door shut behind him with an echoing thud. He turned around to find a good hiding place and stopped.

 

He stood at the top of a tall, dark staircase. Two little balls of light floated just above him, illuminating only a few feet ahead. Teddy took a few hesitant steps downward and the lights followed.

 

“Cool,” he said to himself. He charged forward, going as quick as he could and the lights still followed. He stopped and so did they. He backed up a few steps and the balls stayed with him.

 

It became a very fun game of chase, Teddy laughing as he made the lights followed him around. He didn’t even notice he was at the bottom of the stairs until a voice called out.

 

“Hello there.”

 

Teddy froze, the lights still hovering above him and showing off exactly where he was in the dark. The room he found himself in was big and empty except for a big white… cage? There were big stones at the corners and weird gold screens but the inside was completely white. It looked like someone’s bedroom, with a bed and a desk and books and stuff. And standing in the middle was a man. Teddy stared at him, not sure what to do. Every grown up he knew said not to talk to strangers. But he couldn’t go back up the stairs, Volstagg would be done counting and he wouldn’t be able to hide anywhere else. Even if this big open room wasn’t a good hiding place.

 

“Usually when some one says hello, it is polite to respond in kind,”” the man said. “Or are you just stupid?”

 

“I’m not stupid,” Teddy objected. “You’re not supposed to call people stupid, it’s not nice.”

 

“Whoever told you I was nice?” the man asked, leering. His eyes were bright blue. His face was pale, his hair long, and black, and greasy looking. He wore plain green clothes. He looked plain but… there was something scary about him. Teddy didn’t want to be there anymore but his legs wouldn’t move.

 

“Why don’t you come closer, dear boy,” the man said, gesturing with a hand. Teddy shook his head but his legs moved forward anyway. He clutched Snuffles tighter to his chest.

 

“What are you doing, playing in a serpent’s nest?” the man asked once Teddy was right in front of him.

 

“Playing hide and seek,” Teddy answered softly, too scared to speak too loudly.

 

“You chose a poor hiding spot, young one,” the man said. “It’s dangerous here.”

 

“There’s nowhere to hide anyway,” Teddy blurted out.

 

The man blinked in surprise before raising an eyebrow. “How astute. Didn’t your mommy every teach you to fear monsters?”

 

“My mommy’s dead,” Teddy said, wishing it wasn’t true so she could be there to keep him safe. “And you don’t look very much like a monster.”

 

The man smiled in a bad way. “Oh really?”

 

He changed, then, his eyes flashing red, his skin turning blue. He grew taller, his teeth became pointed, and the ground around his feet turned to ice. He was big and scary and yet…

 

Teddy wasn’t afraid. He was too awestruck, staring with his mouth open.

 

That seemed to unsettle the big blue man. “You must be especially stupid, not to fear me now,” he growled.

 

“I can do that too!” Teddy exclaimed, excited. He didn’t wait for a response, dropped Snuffles to his feet, and let his skin change.

 

He wasn’t allowed to use his green skin unless Mommy said he could. She said since no one else looked like that, it would scare them, so it had to be secret. It had scared Sally so much her parents didn’t want him anymore. But this man had blue skin, kind of like Teddy’s green skin, so maybe it was ok. Teddy shrugged his shoulders as they grew thicker, flexed his tingling fingers, checked himself all over as his skin faded into bright green. He looked up eagerly at the blue man.

 

He wasn’t blue anymore, though, but the bad smile was back. “Well, well, you may be stupid but at least you’re interesting.”

 

“I’m not stupid!” Teddy protested.

 

The man rolled his eyes. “What else can you do, stupid little one?”

 

“I don’t like you,” Teddy told him. There were angry tears forming in his eyes.

 

“And that’s the smartest thing you’ve said yet. Now, is it only the little green monster or are you more special than that?”

 

Teddy frowned at him and concentrated really hard. Looking like other people was tricky, they had lots of little details and he wasn’t as good as his mom at getting it right. It took a while but Teddy was sure he’d done it right.

 

The man’s face was surprised and he let out a sharp bark of a laugh. “Oh, looking like me is a very dangerous thing to do.”

 

Teddy crossed his arms, trying to hold his concentration.

 

“Is that why you’re here?” the man asked. “Has Thor found a new oddity to call family?”

 

“Uncle Thor took me on an adventure,” Teddy told him, letting his concentration break. He shrunk back down to normal size.

 

“Uncle Thor? Are you a child of mine, then?”

 

Teddy shook his head intensely. “No way!”

 

That made the man laugh again. “How fortunate for you.”

 

“Are you Thor’s brother?” Teddy asked.

 

The man sneered. “Only in his deluded mind.”

 

“I don’t know what that word means,” Teddy admitted. “Thor said you got locked away because you made mistakes and hurt people.”

 

“That idiot would forgive anything,” the man, Loki, Teddy remembered, grumbled to himself and turned away. “Mistake implies I did not intend for things to happen as they did. We monsters do only as we please.”

 

“I’m not a monster,” Teddy said firmly. “Monsters are mean.”

 

“Indeed.” Loki grinned at him over his shoulder. “You should use those gifts of your more often, little one. It would be an utter shame to see you waste them.”

 

“It’s not safe,” Teddy told him, like his mom had always told him.

 

“Then make yourself safe,” Loki advised. “Never let anyone tell you what you should do or be. Now go on. You should return to your little game with Thor.”

 

He gave a lazy flick of his wrist and the next thing Teddy knew, he was facing the door at the top of the stairs. The floating lights were right above him. Snuffles rested against his leg.

 

“Cool,” he said, grinning.

 

.:.

 

It was several hours and twice as many rounds of hide and seek later when Teddy started yawning.

 

“Have we begun to tire you?” Sif asked.

 

Teddy shook his head, rubbing at one of his eyes.

 

“I fear it is time we call an end to our fun,” Thor announced. “The hour grows late and Lady Darcy shall be missing you.”

 

Teddy yawned again and leaned into Thor’s side. “Had fun.”

 

“We are pleased to hear it,” Fandrall said.

 

Sif crouched down to Teddy’s height. “Return soon and may chance we will begin your warrior training.”

 

Teddy smiled, too tired to do much else. His eyes were too heavy and he didn’t want to move. He was vaguely aware of Thor picking him up and carrying him away. He managed to wave drowsily as his new friends said good bye.

 

He didn’t remember anything else happening until Thor gently shook his shoulder.

 

“We are about to enter the Bifrost, Teddy,” Thor warned. “Brace yourself.”

 

Teddy let his eyes fall shut and was fast asleep before he could feel anything.

 

.:.

 

The Avengers Science Club were all seriously discussing the aspects of long distance space travel when Clint’s phone started buzzing in his back pocket. He took it out, leagues behind the discussion with his simple GED compared to multiple doctorates. He frowned at the number calling him.

 

“Jarvis?”

 

“Young Master Theodore has returned to the Tower,” Jarvis said without greeting.

 

Clint didn’t wait for further explanation, he ended the call. “Phil, Teddy’s back at the Tower.”

 

The entire team moved at once but none as fast as Phil or Clint. They were out the front doors of HQ and into a car in a matter of minutes, Phil letting Clint take the wheel. He whipped in and out of traffic, vaguely aware of the others playing catch up not too far behind them.

 

The garage door was already open and the elevator waiting. Phil was jumping out of the car before Clint had even put it in park. Clint didn’t bother putting it in an actual parking spot, left the car still running with the doors open.

 

“Take us to him, Jarvis,” Phil ordered once the elevator doors shut behind them.

 

Clint bounced anxiously on the balls of his feet. “Is he ok?”

 

“Aside from slight exhaustion, my scans are showing no ill effects caused during his absence,” Jarvis informed them. “Thor is currently tucking him in to bed.”

 

“Thor’s with him?” Phil asked insistently.

 

“He flew in with the Young Master,” Jarvis replied.

 

The elevator door opened on their floor. Thor was already waiting for them, a broad smile on his face.

 

“My friends, welcome back-“

 

Whatever else he was going to say was interrupted by Phil punching him in the jaw. There was a sickening crunching sound but Thor’s head didn’t move. His eyes grew wide in surprise.

 

“Where did you take him?” Phil demanded. He cradled his injured hand to his chest but gave no hint that it was actually hurting him.

 

“I merely took Teddy to Asgard for a day of fun,” Thor said, confused. “We were not gone more than a few hours.”

 

“You’ve been gone for four days,” Clint stated.

 

Thor looked dismayed. “My deepest apologies, my shield brothers. I did not mean for this to happen. I meant only to entertain Teddy for a short time while you were gone. He did not come to any harm.”

 

Phil brushed past him to Teddy’s room.

 

“I am truly sorry to have distressed you,” Thor insisted.

 

Clint patted his arm. “You really freaked us out, big guy. You might wanna avoid Phil for a few days, maybe pick up his favorite take out for movie night. I’ve been on Phil’s shit list plenty of times, I’ll give you tips how to get back on his good side.”

 

Thor nodded glumly.

 

“Why don’t you go explain everything to the rest of the team?” Clint suggested. “Don’t want them barging in here, waking the kid up.”

 

He didn’t wait to see Thor leave. He went down the hall to Teddy’s room and stopped in the doorway. Phil was sat on the edge of the bed, hand still held to his chest, gently rubbing the thumb of his other hand over the back of Teddy’s.

 

Clint let out all the fear and tension of the last few days in one long sigh. He hated when he had to be the calm one in the relationship, built way too much tension in his shoulders. But Phil was never rational when it came to the safety of those he loved. It was the only way Fury had convinced him handling a team of super heroes was even remotely a good idea. Clint was going to need a day or two on the range to get his issues out properly though.

 

He stepped into the room and sat on the other side of the bed. Teddy hadn’t been theirs for very long but seeing him tucked safe and unharmed beneath his Avengers themed bed spread, well, it was probably the best damn thing Clint had ever seen.

 

Even if the kid was holding onto a butt ugly, bright blue pig thing, a black raven charm dangling from the collar around its fat neck.

 

.:.

 

There was an official SHIELD memo posted to the communal fridge the next morning.

 

Rules Regarding the Care of Teddy:

 

1)   No using Teddy in any plots/plans/shenanigans/ etc. (Do not argue semantics, you know exactly what I mean)

2)   Teddy must eat something green with every meal that is not breakfast. (Jell-o does not count, Clint)

3)   Bed time is at 8:00 PM

4)   No off world adventures without permission from one of the parental units. (This means Phil or Clint, preferably Phil)

5)   Tony Stark and Thor are not allowed to babysit Teddy alone (or together)


	2. First Day of School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's back! I only have one job now! Which means I can work more on creative type projects such as writing this fic~   
> Enjoy this next installment and expect more soon (and by soon I mean after May, lots of plans in May...)!

Clint hated early mornings. They were terrible things and whoever came up with them should be shot. Not even breakfast food could make up for them, because there was no rule that said he couldn’t have waffles for dinner, which was at a much more reasonable hour.

 

His hatred for mornings meant very little to his workaholic husband (and he still got a weird fluttering feeling in his stomach just thinking that word, over a month later). Clint could feel it every time Phil rolled out of bed, the loss of his body heat, of the safe presence at his back. Clint grumbled, felt across the empty sheets. “Come back to bed.”

 

“Can’t,” Phil said. Clint cracked open his bleary eyes. Phil was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning forward to put on his shoes, already dressed in suit pants and white button-up. Clint wiggled over and brushed his leg across Phil’s lower back.

 

“Could,” he wheedled. He plucked at Phil’s shirt with his toes, trying to untuck it.

 

Phil stopped him with a hand on his ankle. “Really couldn’t. I’ve got angry ambassadors to deal with.”

 

“Make Thor do it,” Clint suggested. “His fault anyway.”

 

“You want Thor to be in charge of diplomatic negotiations?” Phil asked skeptically.

 

“Sure.” Clint reached out and tugged on Phil’s wrist. “No one can say no to Thor, he gets that sad puppy look. A sad puppy that bites.”

 

“Not exactly a sound strategy,” Phil commented, leaning over him.

 

“Since when have I ever been known for that?” Clint pulled him down the rest of the way by his tie. Maybe he could convince Phil to stay, forget the trouble they’d caused weeks ago, spend a lazy morning just kissing and petting and honestly, morning sex might be the one redeeming quality of being up before 11 am and-

 

There was an eager knock at the door followed by, “First day of school!”

 

Teddy dashed into the room and Clint groaned as Phil pulled away. The kid really did have some incredible timing. Teddy leapt into the bed suddenly and Clint had to remind himself why it would be a very bad idea to kick him back out. It was very hard, considering the knee that had somehow managed to miss his crotch by several inches in favor of his stomach. Clint’s breath left him in a loud, pained moan.

 

“Knees, Teddy,” Clint groaned.  

 

“Sorry,” Teddy said, carefully moving into the space between Phil and Clint. Clint rolled onto his side and buried his face in the pillows.

 

“First day of school!” Teddy insisted, shaking Clint’s shoulder. “You have to take me to school.”

 

Clint just wanted to go back to sleep. He rolled back over, pinning Teddy under his arm.

 

“Daaaad,” Teddy complained. Clint just grinned. His grin quickly morphed into a surprised yelp as Phil leaned over and began tickling his sides. Teddy joined in until Clint let him go and rolled out of bed.

 

“Cheaters,” Clint said from the floor.

 

Teddy leaned over the edge of the bed, looking down at him. “Can I have cereal for breakfast?”

 

“Sure thing,” Clint answered.

 

“With marshmallows?”

 

Clint sat up right, gesturing wildly for Teddy to stop talking, putting his hands over the kid’s mouth.

 

Phil raised an eyebrow at him. “Subtle. Marshmallows?”

 

“Ted-bug, we have got to work on not telling Phil everything I do,” Clint told him.

 

“Pops said married people aren’t supposed to hide things from each other,” Teddy said seriously.

 

Clint scowled at Phil. “That’s just playing dirty.”

 

“That,” Phil said, standing up, “is smart.”

 

“Fine,” Clint sighed, defeated. “Go pick out the box you want, kiddo. I’ll come pour the milk in a minute.”

 

Teddy beamed and jumped off the bed, racing out of the bedroom as fast as he’d come in.

 

“His teeth are going to rot out of his head,” Phil admonished. He held out a hand to help Clint up.

 

Clint shrugged. “SHIELD’s got good dental.”

 

“Just because you voluntarily get your teeth punched out does not mean Teddy should have false teeth as well, he’s far too young.”

 

“Funsucker.”

 

Phil rolled his eyes. “Go feed him.”

 

He gave Clint a quick peck before moving into the bathroom.

 

“Dad!” Teddy called impatiently from the kitchen.

 

“I’m coming!” Clint shouted back. He rolled his neck and slowly made his way to the kitchen, scratching idly under the stretched out waist band of his sweatpants.

 

Teddy already had a bowl overflowing with brightly colored, sugar packed cereal. Clint snagged his own bowl from the cabinet on his way to grab the milk from the fridge.

 

“Hey!” Teddy protested as Clint poured half of his cereal into the new bowl.

 

“You gotta remember to leave room for the milk,” Clint advised. Teddy pouted.

 

Phil came into the kitchen as Clint sprinkled a handful of mini marshmallows onto Teddy’s cereal and sighed. “His teacher is going to love you.”

 

Clint grinned proudly around his own mouthful of marshmallows. Phil smiled fondly and leaned over to give him a quick peck. “I’ll try to be home for bedtime.”

 

Clint waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Phil rolled his eyes.

 

“You’re not gonna pick me up from school?” Teddy asked.

 

“I’ve got worked to do,” Phil explained, ruffling Teddy’s hair. “Your dad is going to pick you up.”

 

“Is it superhero work?” Teddy inquired eagerly.

 

“Paperwork,” Phil replied. “Not nearly as exciting as the first day of school.”

 

Teddy made a sympathetic face.

 

“I’ll see you later tonight, ok?” Phil said.

 

“Wait!” Teddy clambered off his chair and gave Phil a tight hug around his waist. “Bye!”  


“Bye-bye.” Phil hugged him back before heading out the front door.

 

“Alright, Ted-bug,” Clint said. “We’ve got 10 minutes before we have to leave. Want some more marshmallows?”

 

.:.

 

Clint was so not the parent they should have sent for Teddy’s first day of school. He couldn’t even remember his first day of first grade but he was pretty sure the teacher hadn’t asked to meet his parents. That request hadn’t come until a week later, after the fourth fist fight. He was already making a spectacularly bad first impression just standing in the back with the rest of the parents and guardians. They were all dressed in business attire, suits and skirts and blouses, probably what was expected of someone who sent their kid to a prestigious private school.

 

Clint was wearing a ripped pair of jeans and a “I heart superheroes” shirt, because they were clean and his horrid sense of humor liked to bite him in the ass. He could practically feel the judgment of every adult around him.

 

“Good morning, boys and girls, moms and dads!” a sweet looking young woman greeted from the front of the classroom. “I’m Miss Tiffany and welcome to the first day of first grade!”

 

Clint might have zoned out for the rest of her introduction but to be fair, it was an instinctive response whenever he entered a school. Next thing he knew, the grown ups were standing up and leaving, a few waving absently at their children who seemed far more eager to pay attention to their new friends. Teddy at least ran over to give him a quick hug before returning to his assigned seat. Clint trailed after the adults, hands in his pockets.

 

Once he was outside, he realized he had no idea how to spend the rest of his day. The past month following the honeymoon, Clint’s life had fallen into and easy sort of pattern. Phil went in to work, still soothing ruffled feathers, and Clint looked after the kid. It wasn’t hard, Teddy was an easy kid to entertain, especially in a place like Avengers’ Tower with all its gadgets and live-in superheroes. Said gadgets were suddenly less entertaining without Clint’s one-person audience.

 

He flipped through a hundred of Stark’s endless TV channels. He taught one of Stark’s bots to play fetch with the dogs and then had to teach it how to clean up and hide all the broken furniture. Even the shooting range couldn’t hold his attention longer than it took to fire off a dozen arrows into a suspiciously Loki-shaped target.

 

Clint was bored and that never led to good choices on his part.

 

Which would totally be his excuse when someone inevitably asked him what he was doing perched on a rooftop with a perfect view of Teddy’s school. His binoculars were trained on the window of the classroom, though it was a bad angle to see much more than the teacher’s desk. He’d not seen any movement for a while, though it was noon so the kids were probably out at lunch. He was getting to his feet, ready to try to find another perch the relentless security guards couldn’t see, when movement drew his attention to the rooftop three buildings over.

 

It was some sort of surveillance drone focused on the school and Clint was moving in a heartbeat. He came up on its rear, snatching it out of the air. It gave a noise that sounded surprised.

 

“Stark,” Clint groaned because only Tony would give his inventions the ability to express emotions. “What the hell are you doing?”

 

He glared into the drone’s camera. It chirped and wiggled in his hands. Clint’s phone rang a moment later.

 

“Don’t break the bot,” Tony said without preamble.

 

“Why’s it hovering around a school?” Clint demanded.

 

“Same thing as you,” Tony answered. “Poking at the security. Although in your case, it’s taking the term ‘helicopter parent’ to whole new levels. Now come back to the tower before a security guard tries to shoot you. And leave the drone!”

 

.:.

 

“I thought Pepper vetted this place herself.” Clint commented after an hour of flying the drone around the school’s perimeter. Surveillance was a lot more enjoyable when he could do it from one of Stark’s comfy couches. Even if it was covered in several questionable stains. “Why do we need to test the security?”

 

“You were doing the same thing in person, remote is so much more convenient,” Tony pointed out.

 

“Yeah, but I’m never a good defense,” Clint countered. Besides, he was already fairly satisfied with what they’d found. There were only a few gaps, already noted in Tony’s computer to be brought to the school’s attention as soon as possible. They’d even done a fly-by over the playground while Teddy’s class was out for recess, causing a brief lockdown which they were both going to get an earful over.

 

What, they were just checking in on the kid and testing the school’s emergency alert system, which was working fine if the text, phone call, and email Clint had received were anything to go by. Phil had probably received them all too, all assurances that Teddy was safe but the school was on alert and yeah, Clint was going to be in big trouble later that night.

 

“So you’re just doing all of this because you’re a very concerned uncle?” Clint asked pointedly.

 

“Exactly,” Tony agreed.

 

Clint waited.

 

“And possibly for personal interests.”

 

“Thinking of going back to school?” Clint teased.

 

“Which of the two of us was graduating college with a masters at the same age the other was flunking out of fifth grade?”

 

“Easy, I get it, this is a conversation that requires booze to get in to.” Clint got up, heading for the workshop bar.

 

“It’s dry,” Tony informed him and Clint nearly tripped in surprise. “Steve’s not said anything about it but I know he likes it when I go to those stupid AA meetings.”

 

“Man, are you whipped,” Clint said, easing back onto the couch.

 

“I’m hoping it’ll encourage the big hypocrite to go to his own damn therapy,” Tony grumbled.

 

“Oh, someone’s in loooove,” Clint sing-songed.

 

“Says the asshole who just had his ‘dream wedding,’” Tony mocked, air quotes and all.

 

Clint just raised his eyebrows questioningly.

 

“Shut up. No, we are not getting married, we only just stopped sneaking out of each other’s bed before the next morning.”

 

“You two are adorable,” Clint said.

 

Tony just rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the monitors. Clint gave him a minute for the blushing to fade away before, “So, personal interests?”

 

“Steve wants kids,” Tony admitted.

 

Clint blinked. “Like, right now?”

 

“God, no,” Tony said. “I don’t think so, we haven’t talked about anything like that, I might actually throw up if he tries, we are so not ready for even the beginnings of that kind of conversations, oh god-“  


“Breathe, please,” Clint insisted.

 

Tony stopped to suck in a deep breath. He let it go slowly through his nose and slumped back into the couch. “He won’t say anything about it to me. He was really invested in Teddy and having him around is keeping him occupied but he’s going to want to be more than an uncle eventually. He’s young and that’s how guys like him were raised, to settle down and have a family.”

 

Clint held up a hand. “I’m not gonna pretend to understand your boyfriend’s feelings.”

 

“What good are you, then?” Tony scoffed.

 

“I’m a decent sounding board,” Clint said with a shrug. “Absolute shit when it comes to relationship advice. Literally the only reason I’m actually married is because of Phil’s freaky obsession with paperwork.”

 

“You’ve got some weird kinks, Barton.”

 

“Like Cap’s motivational speeches never turn you on.”

 

“Yeah, but they have that effect on everyone.”

 

Clint conceded his point. Another moment of silence settled between them.

 

“I take it you’re not so keen on kids, despite this creepy surveillance thing we’ve got going on?” Clint asked.

 

Tony just shrugged. “They’re not awful, when they’re someone else’s responsibility. I can barely remember to feed myself, though, I really should not be put in charge of a small, impressionable person who needs things like a regular bed time and meals. I’d probably forget to pick them up from school everyday and-“

 

“Oh shit!” Clint exclaimed as students began filing out of classrooms on the monitors. He shot up and raced for the elevator. “Stealing a car, Tony, gotta pretend to be responsible! Talk to Steve!”

 

.:.

 

Phil was already at the school when Clint pulled up, Teddy by his side. They were talking with a man Clint vaguely recognized as some European ambassador and his daughters.

 

“Dad!” Teddy greeted as soon as he caught sight of Clint. He raced over while Phil said his goodbyes to the ambassador.

 

“Hey, kiddo,” Clint said, scooping Teddy up into a hug. “How was school? You learn stuff?”

 

Teddy nodded and began listing everything that happened, from meeting the class hamster, to reviewing stuff he already knew how to do, and even the made up adventures he’d had on the playground with some of the other kids. Clint glanced sideways at Phil while Teddy explained the weird rules of their Avengers related adventure and winced. That was Phil’s serene “I have very unpleasant questions for you later” smile.

 

Yep, he was in big trouble.

 

.:.

 

A new rule was added to the fridge the next morning:

 

6) No Avengers (or their associated paraphernalia, including sentient gadgets, minions, etc.) are to approach Teddy’s school unless they are there specifically to pick him up, in the event one fo the parental units is unable to and/or forgets to do so

 


End file.
